I was 12 years old and I had this dream of joining the cheerleader squad. When my school announced that it was try out season, I did not hesitate to sign up! Although I was incredibly nervous and the only one in my group of friends that wanted this, I did not let that stop me. Weeks were spent alone in my room practicing the dance routine that we would have to present during tryouts.
The day finally came and there I was in front of many coaches to present the assigned dance routine. After just about an hour later, I didn't make the cut. I was heartbroken and I ran to my mom's car where she was waiting for me once I was done. She saw me jump into the car full of tears and said, "Why are you crying? So what if you didn't make the team? Hah!" I never tried out for anything ever again.
That is just one story that told me that I wasn't good enough. Sure, maybe I was a terrible cheerleader and the reason why I didn't make the team was because I couldn't do a handstand to save my life! But, that moment when my mother turned around and laughed at me was just one of the very moments when I felt that I wasn't good enough to do anything and I carried that lie with me for the majority of my life.
Now, here I am in present day at the age of 30, a mother to two little girls, and I am still trying to overcome those lies. It hasn't been an easy journey but when God gave me two girls, I felt that this was my chance to teach my girls that THEY ARE ENOUGH! But, I will not be able to do that until I started believing that for myself.
Do you struggle with your inner mean girl? She tells you that you're a failure before even trying anything? If you feel that you are not good enough to accomplish anything in life... allow me to tell you that that is a fat lie!
I know, you're probably thinking, "Easier said than done, Diana!" Trust me, I've been fighting this fight for years but after losing my best friend to suicide, she has taught me to keep fighting for my life and a part of that meant that I had to start believing that I was good enough.
Here are some mindset shifts that I've had to make.
1. Who told you this lie?
I remember talking to my business coach one afternoon and I told her something along lines of not being good enough. I told her that I wasn't a good enough Author and that no one would read my work. The first thing that came out of her mouth was, "WHO TOLD YOU THAT?" and what I responded with was, "Well me, of course." But, what I really wanted to say was, "My mother did! Duh!" My Mother told me that I wasn't good enough. Maybe it was never in those exact words but pretty close to them.
Alright, so my mother was the one that fed me these lies all throughout the most vulnerable years of my life. Now that I knew who the culprit was, I can move on to my next shift.
2. Look at it in a different perspective.
I spent many years being angry at my mother. It was exhausting! It wasn't until I became a mother and struggled with postpartum depression myself when I started to feel bad for my own mother! I realized how much stress she was going through being a mother of 3 and I started wondering what were the lies that her own inner mean girl was telling her! I started to believe that my mother didn't give birth to me simply to tear me down. I'm sure there are mothers out there that are pure evil but that wasn't mine. She fed me, she gave me life, and yes she also hurt me but I that was because she was struggling with her own mental health. Once I started to believe this, I instantly started feeling sorry for her. I felt sorry because she didn't have the tools that I do now and stop the cycle! Yes, I've forgiven my mother for the lies she has fed me but it is now up to me to stop the cycle for the sake of my daughters!
3. Don't expect an apology.
My mother may never know the pain she has caused me and so she may never look at me and tell me how sorry she is. I mean really, in her perspective, she was doing the best she could with what she had. Isn't that what we tell all of our new mamas out there. That they are doing the best with that they have? So, why can't we believe that to be true for our own mothers? Yes, my mother is still in my life and I am truly grateful for that but If I spent the rest my life waiting for her to sit down and say I'm sorry, I could be waiting a lifetime. A lifetime that I could be enjoying with my own family and with my mother!
No one ever said that motherhood is easy! Heck I struggle on the daily and my mom sees that. She may not have accepted her faults but she has made all of that up with the love she has for my daughters. She may struggle with her words and I am not afraid to correct her. You see, english is her second language and although she has been in the states for over 30 years, I still have to correct her sometimes! What she may find as a simple joke can come off as an insult and I have to correct her!
I love my mother for who she is today and I've learned to forgive her for the past. Forgive the person that hurt you and start healing yourself from the inside out. Only YOU can do that for yourself!
I hope this has helped you and if you struggle with your own mother wound or any wound, know that you are not alone! I am still a work in progress but making these shifts has changed my relationship with my mother and with myself!